I just saw an episode of Anderson Cooper today that did not sit well with me.  The topic was teenage sexuality and so called abstinence and purity programs as opposed to safer sex education.  Of course the most passionate opinions and the ones that refused to have an open mind on the topic was the abstinence crowd.  So why did that bother me?  I’m going to try to address it in an organized way but my mind is running a million miles per hour on this subject so here goes ’nuffin’:

As a mother of a beautiful little girl who is facing puberty head on, this is a topic her father and I have addressed repeatedly.  I for one do not believe that us insisting on her abstinence is the answer to our concerns.  The answer, as far as I’m concerned, should be focusing on her value as a human, what she has to offer the world as a whole, her spirituality, education and her self image in a world that is spiraling quickly down the fashion and outer appearance rabbit hole.  I believe that if I teach my daughter that her value is in who she is as a person and how she interacts with others and what she has to offer as a dynamic soul is far more important than constantly hovering on  her sexuality, which should also be addressed with equal importance, but not of singular importance.

As I watched the parents on the stage talk about what a gift their daughters’ virginity would some day be to their husband, I was relieved to hear an opponent of their argument say what I was thinking which was how this is simply perpetuating the belief that a woman’s value is solely based on her sexuality and her body.  How can loving parents want to imply this to their daughters?  This is the same mentality that has 16 year old girls scrambling for breast implants, spray tans and bottles of bleach instead of embracing their natural and inner beauty.  Shouldn’t we teach our daughters that the gifts they can someday give to their husbands or wives (hopefully we’ll come to that as well) or anyone else in the world is their heart, their positive energy, dedication, devotion, true love and all those other qualities that not only make a relationship stronger and healthier but also make sex better? By telling your children that their virginity is a gift that they can give to someone, we’re also telling them that their body and sexual acts are far more important than any other spiritual, emotional or intellectual gift they can give to their relationships, marriages, partners or anyone else for that matter.

Another ‘point’ they made on the show is that by throwing these ‘purity balls’ they’re encouraging fathers to take an active role in their daughters’ relationship and sexual choices.  Shouldn’t that be a given?  Do you have to hold a costly event that won’t even call in the ones that need it to get fathers to play an active role in their daughters’ lives?  As I evaluate my relationship with my daughter’s father, the one thing I can be grateful for is that he is a very loving father and does want to protect her and spends the majority of his days doing things for her in person or otherwise, always striving to be the best father possible.  That was one thing I did right this time.  I am so grateful for him being that way. We have both made mistakes but at the end of the day, we can high five each other, even if we’re walking away from each other for good, knowing that we have done an AMAZING job with our little girl and that we will always work as a good team to make sure she’s got everything she wants or needs plus more.  The very fact that events like this have to take place is sad though, and the very thought that these men are perpetuating the sexual objectification of their little girls makes me want to shake them.

Next point I’d like to address is the myth that abstinence is the only 100% fool proof means of preventing pregnancies, diseases, etc.  In this world, as sad as it may seem, there is no fool proof means because we still have to be concerned about rape, incest,  molestation, etc.  Telling girls that this is a safe means gives them a false sense of security that its impossible for them to get pregnant or catch anything, and yes it has and does happen on a regular basis because they’re not taught otherwise.  Then, by also adding the beliefs from above, creates a more detrimental lasting affect on them should any of these horrid atrocities happen to them.  If your virginity is all you’re worth and any of these horrible things happen to you, now you have the same of that victimization, but you also have the issue of their further damaged psyche struggling with the belief that they’re worth nothing now because they’re tainted.  What an awful thing to do to someone that is already hurt and damaged in other ways.  How much longer will it take that young girl to heal from those additional, but unnecessary, scars inflicted on her? Do you think she’ll ever have a healthy sexual outlook again?

This was the best! How can a teenage girl figure out who she is if she’s being distracted by sex with boys?  Are you serious?  A woman actually said that a girl’s teenage years should be used for self discovery of who she is and should not distract herself from that with sex.  Now let me just preface what I’m about to say with the fact that I’m not promoting, nor do I approve of, hypersexuality, sex addiction or any other dysfunctional sexual activity in anyone, especially teenagers.  That being said, how can anyone in their right mind say that a girl cannot possibly experience true self discovery if she is sexually active?  I find that to be the most far fetched statement out of almost all of them.  I think it’s actually quite the opposite!  That intimacy we experience with others is a true indicator of our desire or need for others in our life and what sorts of people we’d like to experience those things with.  I’m not saying that teenagers should have a free pass to run out and start sleeping with everyone, but there is a reason for the hormones experienced and while we tend to be quite ethnocentric in our belief systems, I don’t believe that the age of consent should be where it is nor should we be sitting so blindly and adamantly against teenage sexuality.

I believe that if we raise our children with a strong sense of self respect, confidence, value and sense of self, as well as imbuing them with spirituality, not religion, we’re giving them the tools to make the wisest decisions for themselves at that time. Even with that statement I could run off on a wild rabbit trail about presence in the moment and how all experiences are positive even if we don’t perceive them as such at the time, but I’ll force myself to stay on topic for the moment.  As a parent, I don’t focus my concerns for my daughter on her inevitable sexuality.  For that matter it already exists and can be seen in the way she reacts and responds by blushing when she sees a ‘cute’ boy at the grocery store and how she interacts with them at parks and so forth.  Our sexuality is ever present in us (also another argument about homosexuality, bisexuality and transgender people being born that way, but again I’ll stop myself from jumping on that rabbit trail) from a very young age.  Obviously,  you can see that I am a firm believer that nature takes precedence over nurture when it comes to things like this.  I do still, however, believe that it can be influenced by nurture and so we must be responsible about it with our children.

As a teenager I was sexually active, probably more so than most would think I should have been, and yes it did end up in a teenage pregnancy, but after all that happened, I still developed into a fairly decent person.  I was raised in a very strict religious household with a mother who was apparently affected by that early on and while I love her dearly, and I know she’ll read this, I think we can both agree that many of the ways she acted out in as an adult had to do with her sheltered existence as a child growing up in the same church and the sheltered existence she lived even after marrying at 16 and continuing in that same church.  Everything she did was to rebel against the rules that were placed on her by the people of that church that were far too restrictive and overbearing.  I don’t believe that my daughter should be made to feel that exploring her sexuality in moderation and safely is something she should be chastised for.  I believe that sheltering her from it is only giving her more reason to be curious of it and the less freedom she has as a spiritual individual is more reason for her to rebel.

I was always rather relaxed with my son and I can say I’m VERY proud of how he’s turned out.  I never had an issue with my son doing drugs, being promiscuous, late for curfews or other problems the strictest households have with their teenagers.  I had the teen boy that most people would have paid millions of dollars to experience and I’m so grateful for that.  I’m also proud because I know it was because of myself and my daughter’s father who served as his dad during that time.  Another high five for us.  That being said, he was also open with me about his sexuality including concerns and insecurities and I’m proud of how self aware he is now because I allowed him to consider those things without being told it was a naughty or dirty subject that shouldn’t be discussed.

The answer, in my humble opinion, is not in religion, shame or an over-sheltered existence, but in freedom of spirituality.  I do not believe that religion holds any of the keys to a healthy existence of any sort, again, another blog on another day. Specifically, however, when it comes to teenage sexuality I think any sort of  ’holy’ book should be brought into the discussion.  I wish more people would understand this and I do believe that it will be the case before long.  I just hope that our kids can make it through in the meantime.

So here it is, let me have it or add your points to it.  I know that I glossed over and even completely neglected some things here, but I’m posting a blog, not a novel.  I’d love to hear your feedback.